Maybe part of me is the environment I grew up in, nice home, always neat, clean, organized. Didn't have to worry about food, shelter, clothing. But seemed to be a target for my mother. She had her own "ghost of her." My mom grew up in a home that was nice, nothing lacking, but there was physical abuse that she never talked about, but was known. I believe alcohlism, my grandfather.
My mother had me and we moved when I was around 1 1/2 years old. She was on medication and could not get it right away as she needed a new doctor. She began to drink and then continue once she did get medication. Many women back then were given shock treatments, my mom was one. I don't know the exact number, but there were many. Anyway, for whatever reason, her focus was on me so many times, verbally and physically.
In school, I started getting bullied in 5th grade, went on until 9th. Later on, the term for these girls was 'mean girls." I had close friends, but these girls were on my school bus and would also get other girls I didn't know to come after me. I was a skinny kid, but I always stood up for myself, maybe because I had 3 older brothers. All this is a part of me. The difference now it doesn't haunt me. I came to understand my mom was sick. These girls, I don't know why they were the way that they were, maybe they continued to be bullies in other ways when they grew up. Maybe they regretted it. I will never know.
What I do know is, part of me that is not afraid to speak out, speak up, is from all those years. The friends I had got me through those times. Their support, their friendship, is priceless. I am still friends with a few of them this many years later.
I am still working on my knee-jerk reaction to situations, to people. I am still working on not taking things personally. We don't know what other people are going through. Sometimes we take things personally, and it has nothing to do with us. We just might be you're the one caught in the crossfire.
Until a few years ago, I was not in the space I am now. I would get panic attacks out of nowhere. I could be having a nice visit and have to excuse myself. This is "work" I will always be doing. It is an awareness I need as I don't want to fall back on my old ways of looking at things. That part of the "Ghost of me" will always be with me. But I need to make sure it is not a part of me. T
The parts of the "Ghost of Me" that I embrace is the strength I learned I had, the value of true friends, looking at people and not taking everything personally, having confidence in myself. I think of the girl I was, I can't go back in time and give her a hug. But somehow, once in a while I close my eyes, see her, smile, and yes, give her a hug. Just maybe that part of the "Ghost of Me" will feel it.
The Ghost of Me doesn't haunt; it informs. I carry the lessons of my past without carrying the burden of other people’s pain. It took 68 years to get here, and the work continues. Do you feel the same way? Tell us: What is the biggest difference between the "you" you were ten years ago and the woman you are today?
Marge Farrington OWRO
