The emotional accumulation of aging is heavy during the holidays. You have memories of past gatherings, the missing faces of loved ones, the grown children who are starting their own traditions, and the overall shift in family dynamics. These memories underscore a deep, year-round challenge: the feeling that our traditional roles have changed, leaving us uncertain where we fit in the festive picture.
If you are an older woman, you know the feeling of becoming invisible. Your career may have slowed down or ended. The caregiving tasks have diminished. The phone rings less often for advice. Your traditional roles—the tireless mother, the dedicated employee, the social glue—have changed, leaving a gap where a huge part of your identity used to be.
When our external roles shift, we often look outside ourselves for confirmation that we are still needed, wanted, and valued.
As the wise woman I recently found on YouTube, @lifeover60withIva, reminds us in her video "Invisible," that search for validation outside of ourselves is a trap. It keeps us powerless. We must use this quiet, sometimes difficult, holiday season to redirect our focus and reclaim our inner power.
1. The Mirror Work Revolution: Your Most Important Conversation
One of the most powerful concepts I've discovered is Mirror Work or Positive Self-Talk. This isn't just fluffy feel-good advice; it is a profound practice that rewires your brain.
Think about it: Your mind and body feel what you say. If you spend your days criticizing your wrinkles, your weight, or your memory, your body internalizes that negativity. The negativity we project onto ourselves can make the loneliness of the holidays feel utterly overwhelming.
The Power of the Catch: I've started catching myself whenever a negative thought sneaks in. If I think, "I look tired today," I immediately turn it around: "I am grateful for all the energy my body gives me. I am vibrant and kind."
The Daily Compliment: Look in the mirror—yes, actually look—and say something genuinely positive out loud. "I am an intelligent, insightful woman." "I am a loyal friend and a survivor." You are not being conceited; you are being your own best friend. The validation you crave has to start with the person looking back at you.
Your value is not determined by who sees you; it is determined by who you know yourself to be.
2. Redefining "Needed": The Power of the Shifted Role
The transition from a life defined by roles like "mom," "caregiver," or "boss" to one focused on "me" can feel less like freedom and more like being discarded. You may feel like you’re not needed anymore.
But your value is not tied to your utility to others. Your role hasn't disappeared; it has evolved.
From Giving Time to Gaining Time: If your children don't need daily help, that doesn't mean you're useless. It means you have successfully raised independent adults! You have earned this time.
Old Role: Caretaker.
New Role: Mentor, Guide, and Self-Nurturer.
A Shift in Focus: Use the quiet spaces—even the quiet spaces during the holidays—to invest in yourself. This is the season for that novel you always wanted to write, the language you wanted to learn, the fitness goal you put off, or the activism that stirs your soul.
You Are the Architect of Your Second Act: When we let go of the need to be needed in the old ways, we make room to be chosen for the new, exciting ways we want to contribute.
3. Actionable Antidotes for the Season
Since the holidays are here, here are a few immediate things you can do to address the emotional weight:
Acknowledge the Loss, Then Act: It's okay to have a "grief moment" for the way things used to be. Allow yourself to feel it. Then, shift your focus to a simple, actionable item—volunteering at a local shelter, baking cookies for a neighbor, or planning a solo day trip. Contribution is the opposite of invisibility.
Redefine Your Traditions: You are the boss of your holiday. If a huge meal is too much, order takeout. If you don't want to travel, set up a special video call. Your new tradition can simply be rest.
Be the Initiator: Don't wait for others to call. Make a list of 5-10 people and send a handwritten card or make a 10-minute call. You are the spark of connection you are waiting for.
You are not invisible. You are simply stepping out of the spotlight you built for others and taking center stage in your own life. Start talking kindly to yourself today, and the world will follow your lead.
Thank you to @lifeover60withIva for sharing her wisdom on this topic. Watch her insightful video Here
Marge Farrington OWRO
